I am broken

Someone dear pointed out to me that my blog has recently been silent. My only response was that it was because my heart and my mind have been very loud. The truth is, I’ve had this blank post pulled up on my laptop for over a week now. Each moment I sat down to begin writing, my emotions took control. I want to be very real with my readers, because this isn’t just a blog to encourage you to chase your goals or to feel happy in life. My blog is a place that people can come to relate and know that they are not alone with whatever they are going through. But despite how real it would be to have my emotions speak, I knew it was not the right time to write this post.

Until now.

This past week proved to be one of the more difficult ones. Three important tests at school, on top of nursing my sick pup back to health started to get the best of me. I kept thinking that this wasn’t right. I shouldn’t have to be doing this by myself. I was a combination of exhaustion, hurt, and anger. I began feeling ashamed. Where did that girl go that used her experiences to encourage others? Why were there moments that is was easy to be the light, and other moments where it seemed the light was being dimmed? Why did everything seem to get much more difficult?

It’s easy to be happy when everything in your life seems to be going according to plan. It’s easy to forgive people who have wronged you when they are begging for your forgiveness. It’s easy to love your spouse when your marriage is great and their mistakes are few. It’s easy to trust God and praise Him when His blessings are very evident to you.

But what happens when it’s not easy anymore?

What happens when your life’s plan no longer exists? What happens when someone wrongs you and doesn’t care? What happens when you pour your heart out, just to have it broken? What happens when you no longer see His blessings, but only see burdens? What happens in your heart during these times?

I’m learning that it’s going to get more difficult, and that the most important thing that I can do in these moments is guard my heart. It’s when we’re the most vulnerable that the enemy tries to attack. He’ll tell us to blame our miserableness and our situation on other people. He’ll whisper to us that there is no hope and that we are all alone. He’ll try to convince us that we are unlovable and that the pain we feel proves God doesn’t care. In our brokenness and our hurt we must be on guard against these lies.

What flows from your heart when it is broken? You see, out of a bitter broken heart flows hatred and misery. Out of a self reliant broken heart flows disappointment and doubt. But out of a humbled broken heart flows redemption and hope. Whatever the cause of your brokenness, you can choose what’s going to flow from it. When things start to get more difficult, and your heart becomes more vulnerable, guard it.

Do not be ashamed of your brokenness. When you reach that point in your life where the walls seem to cave in and the pain feels unbearable, know that you are in the process of being broken. It’s going to hurt and no part of it is pleasant, but don’t forget that in order to be made new, we must first be broken. And don’t forget that through your brokenness, the state of your heart is going to show.

My heart is broken; I am broken. There are moments where I can see my heart react out of bitterness or self reliance. In those moments I’m listening to the lies. But by His grace I am humbled and reminded that I cannot do this on my own.

This is a part of my story. This is the process of me becoming broken, so that I may be made new.

When I come clean about my brokenness, others catch glimpses of how the real grace of God works in the messy life of a real person. And I don’t think that my blog could get any more real than that.

You know I love you all.