Hello my lovely readers. It has been way too long, so obviously I’m going to forewarn you that this post is more lengthy, but I think it’s worth the read.
Let’s take a minute to catch up— For starters, I turned 23 this month! Although I really wanted to write a blog about what I’ve learned this past year of my life, I was humbled by an incident that happened a few weeks ago and have decided to write about something that’s been weighing on my heart lately. I’m still loving my new job! It’s been a breath of fresh air to be doing something that I’m good at and actually enjoy doing. It has also opened the door to grow my brand and has given me the freedom to pursue my passions. Graduating back in May, staying out of debt, a new job and paid off car, knowing I’ve been approved to buy a house, having the freedom to pursue the things I’m passionate about— it’s been all about the small victories for me lately. I’ve found it’s best to recognize and focus on the areas you’ve been “winning” at in life, especially when the hard things in life don’t seem to be ending anytime soon. I say “winning,” but honestly it’s not of my own doing that these small victories have been happening despite the current battle I’m in. These small victories have been blessings; they are the very proof of grace in my life.
And that leads the way to what I actually want to talk about on this blog…
I won’t lie, I’m always a bit nervous when I bring my spiritual beliefs into my blogs. When I first began blogging, I had this desire to reach many people and to keep them coming back to my blog for more. More hope, or encouragement, or whatever form of comfort they found in my words. I thought that in order to reach a lot of different people I had to keep my views and beliefs modest, or else I might miss out on an opportunity to share hope with someone of different beliefs and views. I hope that even if you do believe differently or disagree with something I write about, you can still find it in your heart to continue reading my blog.
I want to say this: whatever you believe, whatever race you are, whatever gender you are or identify as, whatever form of income you make, whatever walk of life you are in, whatever you are going through, you are loved and there is hope. Each and every blog post that I write is for YOU.
I consider myself an influencer and an advocate of self love and confidence. I encourage others to be strong and set themselves up for success and growth. I don’t believe that you need the approval of another person to be considered “good enough” or “worthy enough.” I post on social media about being sure of yourself and being confident in your own strength, but can I tell you the truth? The truth that’s hard to admit as an influencer… Sometimes I’m not right. Sometimes I praise the love of self too much. Sometimes I lead myself and others down the wrong path of believing that all we need to rely on and put our trust in is ourselves. Sometimes I lie to my followers when I tell them that they are “enough” for themselves. I want to call myself out in this post, and I want to point you towards the truth.
People that hear the story of the past few years of my life and what I’ve had to overcome as a young woman are quick to build me up and tell me how strong I am. I hear things like “You’re amazing and so strong for standing up and making it through.” “You’re an example of what to do.” “You’re a light.” Such uplifting words have reminded me why I share my story, but I cannot own those words by own doings.
After you go through something in life that eats away at whatever small amount of self esteem you have, it’s almost human nature to do one of two things: One, you remain in that mindset that you have no value and you believe it, or two, you go searching for your value to prove whatever or whoever wrong. There’s nothing like the feeling of being unwanted to send you on that search, and that’s what I did. It wasn’t too long until I started to feel pretty confident in myself and my abilities. I started to believe that it was all me, that I was enough for myself even though I wasn’t enough for other people. That by focusing on my own abilities to overcome and shine despite the darkness, is how I would heal and grow. I hit a low and was beat down emotionally and thought that I could lift myself up on my own, and that’s what I tried to do. To be honest, it worked for a little bit. My confidence in myself was helping me move on and move forward. I was becoming so confident, that I began to rely on myself for everything. But the problem is, I can’t rely on myself for everything. I’m human and at the end of the day there are some things that are completely out of my control.
I can apply for the job and have a killer interview, but whether or not I get the job is out of my control. I can be safe and wear my mask and wash my hands, but whether or not I get the virus is out of my control. I can workout and eat healthy and take all of my vitamins, but whether or not I get cancer or lose my unborn child is out of my control. I can try every possible thing to save a broken marriage and keep my spouse from leaving, but whether or not the marriage is saved and they leave is out of my control. I can believe in my own ability to do what’s best for my emotional and physical health, but whether or not I actually heal is also out of my control. You might think that I sound crazy right now because most of what we’re told these days is that we can do these things; that we can be the savior in our own lives and have the power to prevent these things from happening. I might not have said it and might have even denied it if you asked, but the way I trusted myself placed me as savior in my life. We can practice certain habits and make better choices to encourage these things to happen or not happen, but we can’t be the savior. We aren’t as powerful as we are told to believe. We can’t rely on ourselves and we most definitely cannot put our hope in ourselves, because the truth is we’re not enough.
Wow, it really does sound harsh saying that, but sometimes the truth is harsh because it’s the opposite of what we’ve been told. If you scroll through social media you can find so many uplifting individuals who encourage you to be confident and love yourself and believe in yourself. I don’t disagree with any of that; It is so important to do all of those things! I just think that we put ourselves and others in danger when we say things like “you are enough.” The danger is, we start to rely too much on ourselves and that confidence can blind us from what’s really happening— grace. Things are happening to you and for you for your good that are not of your doing. There’s nothing wrong with being confident until you mistake grace shown in your life by something of your own doing.
And this is the part where I tell you that there is only One that you can rely on, and put your hope and trust in. He is the One showing you that grace that you easily mistake as your own doing. You aren’t enough for other people, He is— so point them to Him. You aren’t enough for yourself, He is— so look to Him. I am nothing without Him. Everything that I love about myself is because He made me this way. That value that I set out to find after feeling unwanted was found in Him all along. And as I look back now, I realize that He was using this hurt to show me that I am wanted, by Him. So I’m calling myself out for ever thinking that I was enough for myself; For ever thinking that those small victories happening in my life were of my own doing. I was mistaken… That is grace in my life.
Society tells us that WE are enough and that if WE do things, if WE work hard, then WE will be successful. But remember this: Grace will take you places that hustling cannot. So maybe it’s time to pause and ask yourself “Have I mistaken grace as my own ability to control and save my life?” “What things are happening in my life only because of His grace?”
I wouldn’t be doing you any favors if I didn’t point you towards the Truth.
You say I’m strong? No friend, I am far from it. What you are seeing is a weak person who realizes she is nothing without her strong God.
Sincerely,
Adrienne
