There comes a point in our lives when we realize that we really can’t change others and the things they do. If you have reached this understanding already, consider yourself blessed, because the next greatest step of your life is about to unfold…
8 months ago I came to this realization. I remember it like it was yesterday. After several miserable months of misunderstandings and uncertainties, he looked me in the eyes and told me he was leaving. Something needed to happen, the path we were on grew wider, and we farther apart. He decided time separated would help us figure out what we needed to do next. The days and even months that followed consisted of me trying to change his mind and change our marriage. To be honest, I was hoping to just snap my fingers and everything would change; his heart, his mind, his love, our marriage, etc. The more I wished for change, the more disappointed and heartbroken I became because the change was not happening.
I sat there on the bed crying. Everything I had planned for my life since I was a little girl was falling apart around me. And the worst part was, I couldn’t do anything about it except watch it happen. I wanted to stay silent and do everything that I could to keep this hidden. I had just started my journey as an Influencer and I thought that meant that I had to have my life put together; that I had to be living a life that others wanted to have. A twenty-one-year-old woman who had only been married two years before her husband left didn’t exactly seem like the kind of person someone would listen to or look up to. It was embarrassing at the time and all I wanted to do was keep it hidden. But as I sat up from my crying spell that day, I looked down at my laptop sitting at the foot of my bed and felt the need to just write.
And just like that, one heartfelt word at a time, they came pouring down into my first blog post after our separation. “Take the next step” was the title of that blog. I was hurting and confused and I didn’t know what to do, so I did the only thing I could and I encouraged others to do the same. Pretty soon I wrote another post, and another, and eventually the hurt I was feeling was fueling the hope I was sharing. People began reaching out to me sharing their own stories, completely different from mine, but somehow they found encouragement. This person that I was becoming, this love spreader, passion chaser of a woman— I wanted to become her more and more. It wasn’t long until I had lost the desire to change my husband and our situation, but to focus on changing myself.
When we are unable to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. When you reach that point in your life when you realize that you cannot change a person or the things they do, you’ve been given the greatest opportunity to change yourself and your own life. Things happen and you get to decide how you are going to respond to them, how you are going to let it affect you, and the person you are going to be when you come out the other end of it. You can try to keep it hidden. You can carry the burden on your own and let hurt and bitterness control your outlook on life. You can be embarrassed by it. Or you can share your story proudly because a situation you could not change became the situation that pushed you to change yourself.
Maybe you’re in that situation right now. Maybe you feel helpless because there is nothing you can do to change the situation itself. My advice is this: don’t focus on the ways everything else around you could change, you will be disappointed because those things are not in your control. But focus on what can change inside of you. After all, when our hearts change our mindsets change, and when our mindsets change, the way we look at our situation changes. And that, my friends, is a beautiful thing because when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
It was never just his heart and his mind that needed to change. In order for our marriage to change, it required both of us to change. The moment that I stopped wishing that my situation would change, was the moment my eyes were opened to how I needed to change.
It has been over a week since he has come home. The question that many have asked me is “has he changed?” My answer remains the same, “It’s a process. But right now I’m focusing on my change.”
There’s hope for whatever it is you are going through, but it starts from within. If you’ve been challenged to change, take that step and watch your life testimony begin to unfold.
I’ve missed you all.
Sincerely,
Adrienne
